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Q&A: How to Talk to Your Kids about Sex

Q&A: How to Talk to Your Kids about Sex

By Mary Ellen Ulmer, MD
Pediatrics, Primary Care

Q: WHEN SHOULD I HAVE “THE TALK” WITH MY KIDS?
A: Don’t think of it as “the talk,” but as an ongoing conversation that takes place throughout your child’s development. With toddlers, start talking about gender and genital differences, and call body parts by their correct names so kids won’t feel ashamed of their bodies. As kids get older, answer their questions honestly, or bring up age-appropriate issues yourself. Your pediatrician or librarian can recommend books that will help.

Q: CAN’T THEY JUST LEARN THIS STUFF IN SCHOOL?
A: If you want your kids to get correct information, presented in a way that reflects your own values, you need to be the one to initiate the conversation. A round age 10, tell them what you expect of them, whether it’s abstinence until marriage, or delaying sex until they are much older. Also make it clear that if someone asks them to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable or unsafe, they should say no and tell a grownup.

Q: HOW CAN I REDUCE THE EMBARRASSMENT FACTOR?
A: I find that the best place to talk is in the car, where we’re together, but not looking right at each other.

Q: SHOULD I TALK TO MY CHILD ABOUT SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED INFECTIONS (STIs)?
A: If you’re comfortable doing so, this is a conversation that should happen before a child heads for middle school, when many kids begin engaging in sexual play. Forewarned is forearmed. According to the American College of Pediatricians (ACP), one in four sexually active adolescent girls has been infected with an STI. The only guaranteed way to avoid STIs is to avoid sex. The next-best approach is to use condoms and to limit sexual partners.

Q: I WORRY ABOUT TEEN PREGNANCY. WHAT SHOULD I SAY?
A: One in 13 girls will become pregnant during high school, according to the ACP. Kids need clear direction from their parents. If your beliefs allow for contraception, please talk with your kids about it as soon as they hit puberty, or ask your pediatrician to bring it up. If you expect abstinence, make that very clear.

Q: CAN TEENS TALK PRIVATELY WITH THEIR PEDIATRICIANS?
A: Absolutely. In Oregon, kids 12 and older have the right to confidentiality when talking with their pediatricians, with the understanding that if they mention something harmful, their parents will be notified.

Q: WHAT’S THE BEST WAY TO PREPARE MY KIDS TO MAKE HEALTHY DECISIONS?
A: Kids who respect themselves and their bodies tend to delay sexual activity until they are older. Your openness and willingness to talk — and to listen — will foster the self-respect that will empower your children to make healthy decisions as they mature.