By Katie Koehler Esser, LCSW, behavioral health

If you care for an aging parent or spouse, you’re not alone. Millions of people provide unpaid caregiving every day — sometimes around the clock, often without training, support or time off.  

A heavy weight

Planning medical appointments and follow-ups, providing transportation, helping with grocery shopping and home maintenance, ensuring medications are taken properly, managing finances — these are just a few of the added responsibilities of elder care.

Emotional challenges can intensify the physical exhaustion of caregiving. You may find your emotions swinging between irritability, resentment, sadness, guilt, anger, grief, anxiety and worry. As the dynamics of your relationship with your loved one shift, caregiving may bring up difficult emotions. Even before changes occur, you may experience anticipatory grief, and then grieve again as your loved one’s condition declines.

Self-care is part of caregiving

With so many demands on your physical and emotional energy, finding time for self-care may feel impossible — but it’s crucial. “Put on your own oxygen mask first” is sound advice for all caregivers. To quote another common phrase, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”

Even small moments focused on your own health and well-being will renew your spirits and refill your energy tank. Make these your personal priorities:

• Take breaks as needed — walk away for a minute if you’re feeling frustrated or overwhelmed. 
• Set clear boundaries.
• Schedule time for doing things you enjoy, being with friends and family, and connecting with people who can relate. Isolation is a particular risk for caregivers.

When the weight is too much

If you simply have no time for self-care, then it’s time to ask for help. Without support, the practical and emotional burdens of caregiving will take a toll. You may find that:

• You feel overwhelmed all the time.
• You’re increasingly irritable or angry toward your loved one.
• You’re neglecting your own medical and physical needs.
• You’re getting sick more often. 

These are signs that you need help. Enlisting assistance — whether from friends and family members or community resources — will help you carve out some time for yourself and reset your balance.

Support for caregivers

Once you reach out, you might be surprised to discover how much support is available to you. Here are a few places to start:

Friends and family
Your friends and family members are probably aware of your caregiving challenges and eager to help — they just don’t know how. So, be specific: Would you deliver a meal to Dad once or twice a month? Could you give Mom a ride to her appointment? Would you sit with my husband for two hours so I can get a haircut? Do you have time to research local housekeeping services for me? 

Aging and Disability Resource Connection of Oregon (ADRC )
ARDC is a great place to find community resources. This online hub helps you locate services within your zip code, including private caregivers, in-home meal preparation, adult day centers and respite care, assisted living facilities, transportation services, caregiver education and support groups, financial advice and much more. Spend a few minutes browsing this website for services you may need now or later.

Your county’s Aging, Disability and Veterans Services
These resources offer caregiver support groups and classes, links to in-home care and housing options, connections to benefits and other help in Multnomah County and Washington County. Clackamas County offers similar services through ADRC.

Diagnosis-specific organizations
Many organizations that focus on specific health conditions offer supportive resources for caregivers. The Alzheimer’s Association and the American Heart Association are two good examples.

The Portland Clinic
Don’t forget that as a patient of The Portland Clinic, you have a team of professionals who can help with both the practical and the emotional challenges of providing elder care. Our behavioral health team can provide emotional support to help you process this challenging time, tools to address overwhelming emotions, and strategies for improving self-care and reducing isolation. On the practical side, our nurse care managers and social workers are here to point you toward helpful resources and to guide you through them. Call our scheduling line or ask your primary care provider to connect you with these team members.

Rewards among the challenges

Being a caregiver for an aging loved one can be difficult — especially if you try to do it alone. When you reach out for a hand and let others in to help, the weight lifts a little, and you may find that you’re more able to appreciate the rewards among the challenges. You may get to know a parent or partner on a new and more intimate level. You may forge new connections with the helpers you meet. And you may discover that you are stronger than you knew.

Katie practices at our South location.